Wake-up Call

To be completely honest, I have no idea what I’m writing. I haven’t written in far too many months, and I just about gave up hope in ever returning to this blog. But, while reading Mark chapter 2 this morning, I had an overwhelming desire to put my scattered thoughts on paper.

Where to start…well, life’s been pretty hectic. Mono. Grad school. Marriage. Moving. Work. Not the most smooth or easy combination. And through it all, I have to admit that I’ve really sort of lost track of who I am. Who I was. Who I want to be. It’s sad, really…sad and unnecessary. Well, not so much unnecessary as I believe that sometimes we need a little smack in the head to set us on the right path again.

And I guess that’s what life’s been for me lately—a smack in the head. Everything’s been contributing to communicate my lack of self, even down to the freakish snow on April 30^th in the middle of the desert. But as I’m sure I’ve put it before, I feel most myself when I have faith. Faith in myself and my abilities. Faith in my family and loved ones. And most importantly, faith in God. But I’ve lost it lately…well, not necessarily my faith, but my fervent and ardent desire to act on my faith.

The hardest part is that this downturn happens ever so slightly and ever so subtly that you hardly notice. I’ve been so distracted with my struggles lately that I’ve compromised perhaps the most important part of myself.

The biggest struggle has been mono. There’s no way around it…it just sucks. Bad. I came down with it last fall and am still feeling the effects. For someone who could put in a nine-hour day of manual labor and then go home and want to play a game of ultimate Frisbee, it’s been really hard to be confined to utter exhaustion and bed rest after a simple day at school. Though perhaps I’m completely wrong in doing so, I mostly blame mono for my complete breakdown of self. My understanding of my mind and body has completely been flipped upside-down and everything just seems so foreign to me. I don’t sleep the same, eat the same, or move the same. And my breaking point has lowered a significant amount that now, I no longer think the same, exercise the same, or react to situations the same.

And with all of the exhaustion and accompanying depression, I’ve lost track of that desire to act in my life and to live my faith. Instead, I’ve just…existed.

Which brings me to my point. When Jesus was in the house at Capernaum with a multitude of people, a man with palsy was brought to Him, carried by four others. And…“When Jesus saw their faith, he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee” (Mark 2:5). Not long after, He said, “They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance” (Mark 2:17)

That passage struck me this morning—even those who are sick and struggling can be healed. It doesn’t always take a grievous sin to require forgiveness from the Lord. If we are not continuously turned toward Him and acting on our faith, then our spiritual strength begins to diminish.

Sometimes, we have to just keep going. We have to…move on. With this whole mono ordeal, I’ve gotten so frustrated at my new limitations because it’s made me, as I see it, less of a person than I used to be. It’s my retched tendency to focus so much on the past and not the future; I look so much at who I used to be and who I am at present, and I forget that every single day provides an opportunity of being something/someone different. What a blessing! And just as Christ healed the man with palsy, he can help me to overcome my own “illness” (call it mono, apathy, laziness, whatever) so that I can be more of the person I want to be. With these new limitations, I have gleaned new insight into myself and the world around me, and I should take that new knowledge and apply it to a new me, instead of trying to go back to who I was.

Sometimes, You Just Have To Jump

I’ve talked a lot about choices and how life is full of them. Well, this is no different.

Life. It’s full of choices.

But one of the things I’ve learned recently is that sometimes you have to step a little out into the dark before the light comes. What I mean by that is sometimes we have to choose without the complete assurance that we’re making the right decision.

I think of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Harrison Ford reaches the “leap of faith.” He has to step out off of a ledge, and it’s only after that he sees the platform. The same thing happens for some of the decisions in our lives, and usually the most important ones (which can be very frustrating).

So why is that? Well, in my opinion (and as I’ve alluded to in past entries) it’s not so much about whether we’re making the right decision, but that we’re making a right decision—we have to be proactive about the path our life is taking. If our fates were predetermined, then sure…we’d have to search for that one right decision. But a choice isn't about searching, it's about doing. We have been blessed with the gift of personal agency and thereby have become the masters of our own destinies. We make the decisions. We travel the paths. We create our own lives.

That’s not to say that we can’t have help or that we aren’t influenced by outside sources. But regardless, we’re here to choose and we have the ability to do it. What a wonderful thing!

But how terrifying, right? That lack of assurance when making a decision can paralyze us with fear (it does me, anyway). It would just be so nice and easy if the consequences of each decision was illuminated before us. However, that’s not how it works. It’s times like these when faith really needs to be applied. Faith in others. Faith in ourselves. Faith in God.

It’s now my opinion that sometimes, you just have to jump. Jump, and have faith that you’ll be able to handle the consequences that follow. Obviously, work out as much as you can—see as far into the darkness as your perspective will allow. But once you’ve done all you can do, don’t hold yourself back from progression with unnecessary fear. Instead, see the jump as an adventure and know that it’s usually you who turns a decision into the right one.

Priorities

Wow. With everything that’s been going on, I feel like I’ve barely had time to breathe. I’ve been learning so many new things and had so many of those “ah ha!” epiphany moments, but I haven’t had the time to really document them. However, I received an email today from a friend and fellow grad student with a document attached that really helped me to calm my fears. The excerpt is from Elder Henry B. Eyring’s address Education for Real Life. Here’s a copy of the attachment—I promise it’s worth the read:


It is clear that putting spiritual learning first does not relieve us from learning secular things. On the contrary, it gives our secular learning purpose and motivates us to work harder at it. If we will keep spiritual learning in its proper place, we will have to make some hard choices of how we use our time. We generally know when papers will be due, when tests must be taken, when projects must be completed. And we know when the Sabbath will come. We know when the institute class will be held. We know when the prayers at the beginning of a day and those at the end should come. We know about how long it takes in reading the scriptures before we begin to feel the Holy Spirit. We know about how many hours it takes to prepare and to perform our service in the Church.

When we see life as it really is, we plan for a time and a place for all of those things. There will come crises when there does not seem to be enough time. There will be many instances when one thing crowds out another. But there should never be a conscious choice to let the spiritual become secondary as a pattern in our lives. Never. That will lead to tragedy.

Your life is carefully watched over, as was mine. The Lord knows both what He will need you to do and what you will need to know. He is kind and He is all-knowing. So, you can with confidence expect that He has prepared opportunities for you to learn in preparation for the service you will give. You will not recognize those opportunities perfectly, as I did not. But when you put the spiritual things first in your life, you will be blessed to feel directed toward certain learning and you will be motivated to work harder. You will recognize later that your power to serve was increased, and you will be grateful.

God Can Multiply the Effectiveness of Our Time

I realize that there are some, perhaps many, for whom my urging you to capture leisure time cuts like a knife. You feel overwhelmed by the lack of time. You have left unfinished tasks in your Church calling. You’ve carried your scriptures all day but still not found a moment to open them. There is someone in your family who would be blessed by your thoughtful attention, but you haven’t gotten to them yet. You will go to a job tomorrow that barely pays enough to keep food on your table and pay your bills. There is a term paper or a project due soon that you are yet to start and there are examinations looming. Rather than finding ways to capture leisure time for learning, you are trying to decide what to leave undone.

There is another way to look at your problem of crowded time. You can see it as an opportunity to test your faith. The Lord loves you and watches over you. He is all-powerful, and He promised you this: "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Matthew 6:33).

That is a true promise. When we put God’s purposes first, He will give us miracles. If we pray to know what He would have us do next, He will multiply the effects of what we do in such a way that time seems to be expanded. He may do it in different ways for each individual, but I know from long experience that He is faithful to His word.

I’ve seen that same miracle when there seemed not enough time for my family when they needed me. I had four young sons, a challenging new job, and then came a call from our bishop as the assistant Scoutmaster and the deacons quorum instructor. The Scouts camped out often, taking me from my boys, who were either older or younger than Scout ages. But I gave my heart to teaching and serving, trusting the Lord’s promise. I began to take one of my sons and then another with me on our outings. What seemed a call away from my obligations to my sons, with the Lord’s help, formed a bond with them that will last for eternity. I gave my heart to the Lord’s service in that deacons quorum; He gave me the hearts of my sons.

I cannot promise academic success or perfect families. Nor can I tell you the way in which He will honor His promise of adding blessings upon you. But I can promise you that if you will go to Him in prayer and ask what He would have you do next, promising that you will put His kingdom first, He will answer your prayer and He will keep His promise to add upon your head blessings, enough and to spare. Those apparent prison walls of "not enough time" will begin to recede, even as you are called to do more.

With everything I’ve had going on, I’ve literally had the feeling that I’m drowning…to the point where I’ve been questioning my decision to take on some of my current responsibilities. All the while, however, I’ve been constantly praying for the help to set my priorities straight and to focus on the things that matter most in this life.

As can be expected, I have a lot to work on. I don’t always get to “what matters most” as often as I should. But I know with a surety that if we place our priorities in the right order and place God and service for His kingdom first, He will help us with our endeavors and all else will fall into place.

Fear Not!

Have you ever thought about fear? Real fear? I’m not talking about fear of spiders or snakes, but rather the deeper fear of failing, rejection, and/or the unknown.

Hmmm….

With all of the changes going on in my life at the moment, fear has been a nagging companion; you don’t want it there, but it sticks around and interrupts your thoughts at the worst moments. It just wont leave you alone!

But really…what do we have to be afraid of? What is there to fear in the first place? I just think about all of the good things in my life and sometimes I wonder if my fear comes from focusing on the wrong things. How often do we look at the glass half empty rather than half full? I’ve seen firsthand in my life that the more I trust in the Lord, the less I fear. And no matter how cliché this sounds, somehow it always seems to work out. What can I say?—I like to think of myself as an optimist.

Confidence. Courage. Easier said than done, right? Perhaps. But if nothing else, we just have to remember that fear is not a necessary emotion. Faith comes from God while fear comes from the adversary. The two—fear and faith—are antitheses of each other and there is no room for one when the other is present. So really, we have a choice…which do we wish to follow?

Ha! No competition there.

A Tiny Seed

Once again, I was looking through my old assignments and came across the following from my Mission Prep class in the fall of 2006. Interestingly enough, faith has been a major study topic for me the past couple of days, so I thought this was all too relevant and the perfect thing to share:


To more fully understand the Gospel of Jesus Christ, one must first understand the founding principle – faith. In Ether 12:6, it reads, “faith is things which are hoped for and not seen.” This definition is repeated in the teachings of the Apostle Paul, “Now faith is the [assurance] of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). It is the principle of action and power.

But what does that mean? Faith as the principle of action acts as the director of everything a person does. Approaching this idea in physical terms, it can be seen that every action, no matter how small, is performed by faith. To walk across the room, one must believe, or have faith, that the floor will withstand the pressure of the footstep. To buy groceries for her family, a mother must not only have faith that, by turning the key, her car will start, but that the store will be where it was the last time she shopped. This idea can be applied spiritually as well. To pray, or speak with God, one must have faith that God is listening. In fact, one must have faith that God exists at all.

This is where the principle of power comes in. “Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God” (Hebrews 11:3). It is the very act of believing that gives one the power to do. Therefore, God had faith that he could create the worlds. “Had it not been for the principle of faith the worlds would never have been framed, neither would man have been formed of the dust” (“Lectures on Faith” 3). This ability, or power to do by belief, is given to man as well. When explaining to the Apostles why they could not cast out devils, Christ said, “[It is] because of your unbelief: for…If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed…nothing shall be impossible unto you” (Matthew 17:19-20). In both Hebrews 11 and Ether 12, miracles such as Noah’s Ark, the parting of the Red Sea, and the brother of Jared’s witness of the Lord show that “If [man] will have faith in me [he] shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me” (Moroni 7:33).

Though faith can give man power, it is a gift from God and must be nurtured. Alma’s teachings reflect the words of the Lord mentioned above. “Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart…it will begin to swell within your breasts” (Alma 32:28). Man is given the seed and it is up to him to attend to it so that it may grow. Without proper care, faith, like the seed, will whither and die.

Outlined in Alma 32:27, Alma also teaches how man can cause that seed of faith to grow. First, he must have the simple desire to believe. Second, he must ‘arouse [his] faculties’ or admit that perhaps there is a God, or have hope that something else could exist. Thirdly, he must experiment upon the thing in question by praying, keeping the Lord’s commandments, or studying the scriptures. And lastly, after all of these things have been exercised, there will begin to be a growth of the seed of faith, even so that it “beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me” (Alma 32:28). By all these things can man nurture the faith God gives him.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ would not exist without faith. It is by this founding principle that all things were created and are now and will forever be performed.

Works Cited

Bible. King James Version. Salt Lake City: LDS Church, 1979.
Book of Mormon. Salt Lake City: LDS Church, 1981.
“Lectures on Faith.” Prepared by the Prophet Joseph Smith: Deseret Book, 1985.


I know through both personal experience and prayer that all of these things speak truth. If we doubt, we must trust in the Father and have confidence, move ourselves to action, and then we will receive power. The witness comes after the trial of our faith (Ether 12:6) and it is by faith that all things are fulfilled (Ether 12:3).