Wake-up Call

To be completely honest, I have no idea what I’m writing. I haven’t written in far too many months, and I just about gave up hope in ever returning to this blog. But, while reading Mark chapter 2 this morning, I had an overwhelming desire to put my scattered thoughts on paper.

Where to start…well, life’s been pretty hectic. Mono. Grad school. Marriage. Moving. Work. Not the most smooth or easy combination. And through it all, I have to admit that I’ve really sort of lost track of who I am. Who I was. Who I want to be. It’s sad, really…sad and unnecessary. Well, not so much unnecessary as I believe that sometimes we need a little smack in the head to set us on the right path again.

And I guess that’s what life’s been for me lately—a smack in the head. Everything’s been contributing to communicate my lack of self, even down to the freakish snow on April 30^th in the middle of the desert. But as I’m sure I’ve put it before, I feel most myself when I have faith. Faith in myself and my abilities. Faith in my family and loved ones. And most importantly, faith in God. But I’ve lost it lately…well, not necessarily my faith, but my fervent and ardent desire to act on my faith.

The hardest part is that this downturn happens ever so slightly and ever so subtly that you hardly notice. I’ve been so distracted with my struggles lately that I’ve compromised perhaps the most important part of myself.

The biggest struggle has been mono. There’s no way around it…it just sucks. Bad. I came down with it last fall and am still feeling the effects. For someone who could put in a nine-hour day of manual labor and then go home and want to play a game of ultimate Frisbee, it’s been really hard to be confined to utter exhaustion and bed rest after a simple day at school. Though perhaps I’m completely wrong in doing so, I mostly blame mono for my complete breakdown of self. My understanding of my mind and body has completely been flipped upside-down and everything just seems so foreign to me. I don’t sleep the same, eat the same, or move the same. And my breaking point has lowered a significant amount that now, I no longer think the same, exercise the same, or react to situations the same.

And with all of the exhaustion and accompanying depression, I’ve lost track of that desire to act in my life and to live my faith. Instead, I’ve just…existed.

Which brings me to my point. When Jesus was in the house at Capernaum with a multitude of people, a man with palsy was brought to Him, carried by four others. And…“When Jesus saw their faith, he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee” (Mark 2:5). Not long after, He said, “They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance” (Mark 2:17)

That passage struck me this morning—even those who are sick and struggling can be healed. It doesn’t always take a grievous sin to require forgiveness from the Lord. If we are not continuously turned toward Him and acting on our faith, then our spiritual strength begins to diminish.

Sometimes, we have to just keep going. We have to…move on. With this whole mono ordeal, I’ve gotten so frustrated at my new limitations because it’s made me, as I see it, less of a person than I used to be. It’s my retched tendency to focus so much on the past and not the future; I look so much at who I used to be and who I am at present, and I forget that every single day provides an opportunity of being something/someone different. What a blessing! And just as Christ healed the man with palsy, he can help me to overcome my own “illness” (call it mono, apathy, laziness, whatever) so that I can be more of the person I want to be. With these new limitations, I have gleaned new insight into myself and the world around me, and I should take that new knowledge and apply it to a new me, instead of trying to go back to who I was.

Just A Thought...

My father-figure Cliff wrote this to me in an email. I am so grateful for him and all of his kindness over the years.

“You have to keep in mind that it is entirely up to you what you do…It is your path so remember that all the things you do on your journey are important and they don't always fall in the time frames or plans of others and that is o.k. because it is not their road to follow.”

I think sometimes we just need simple reminders that we’re all living different lives and we shouldn’t expect our “journey” to go the same way or at the same pace as others. Every life is beautiful because it belongs to one particular person—we each write our own story and that’s what makes it so special.

What Beauty is to Me

So I was browsing through some of my old papers from high school and came across the following. It was a short assignment from who knows when:

Personally, beauty is not the amount of make-up one wears nor the money spent on clothes, but rather confidence in oneself. As there is moderation in all things, a healthy balance of self-confidence and self-appreciation can prove to outweigh any physical feature. Picture two girls walking down the street: The first, though made-up and glamorous, walks sluggishly with her head down. The second, though plain in her appearance, walks with enthusiasm and her head held high. She acknowledges others passing her and smiles as they go by. To me, the latter example has true beauty; she feels good about herself and expresses it through her actions. I would much rather see a sincere smile on one’s lips than lipstick. Society today pushes its image of “beauty” on women so fiercely that people have begun to take drastic measures. With eating disorders growing more common everyday, I only wonder how these magazine models and movie stars honestly feel about themselves. I myself may not be the thinnest person nor am I the most catching, but I feel good about who I am and am comfortable with what I do. With that said, I admit that when I look in the mirror, I can say to myself, “Hey, I like you!” instead of criticizing remarks. And in that, I find true beauty.

The Great Man

What makes a “great” man? Quite similar to my previous topics, but a slightly different question.

For me, I hope and pray that who we are is measured less by how much we stay on the horse, and more by how hard we try to pick ourselves back up when we fall off the horse. Everyone messes up. We all fail sometimes. That’s a given. We weren’t sent to this earth to fail, but to learn, and we learn by falling down and scraping our knees.

I was thinking about this extensively at work yesterday…just the idea of what makes a “great” man. I’ve heard a lot of different definitions from people, and though I can appreciate and understand most of them, I found my explanation and view to be much more simple. What makes a “great” person is the effort he or she puts into life. We all come from different backgrounds and have different experiences, so no one can really be measured on the same plane…we’re different. And we’re supposed to be different. It’s not about how much better I am than my neighbor, but rather how much better I can become than the person I am today.

This is all a bit scatter-brained, I know. But my point is that often we attribute our worth to things that are, in the end, not fairly measured because we’re comparing ourselves to other people. In my opinion, our worth and beauty as a person comes from the effort we put into making our own personal lives more meaningful. The drive we have to face challenges with a positive attitude. The determination we have when we’re at our lowest to get back on our feet and to keep going, no matter how painful or impossible the road. The faith we have that if we do all that we can do, the Lord will make up the rest. The gratitude we have for all of our experiences in life. The ability we have to learn from each fall we take and each scrape we get so that we can turn around and help others through their own journeys in life.

That’s what makes a great man. It doesn’t matter if he’s the 50-year-old CEO of some large corporation or the teen-age retail worker at the local Walmart. We all have the opportunity to show our true colors and we all have the potential. It’s just up to us to choose what happens when we fall off the horse.

Courage To Be Who You Are

Recently, I’ve noticed a change in myself that has been occurring gradually over the past year or so—a detachment from the person I feel I really am. I have these moments when I look back on my past and smile with gratitude for all the experiences—good and bad—that have brought me to this point, but no longer connect with the person I used to be. And while we grow each and every day, I believe there are certain parts of us that should only change if we want them to—things about our personalities; the things that make us smile or motivate us to live a more fulfilling life. To me, we use our past and all the lessons learned to inspire our future. But I’ve been so blind lately, caught up in a million different things and forgetting about who I am and where I come from. I love new experiences. Change. Adventures. Spontaneity. I revel in the beauty of an artistic expression and take joy in the simplest of things: an act of service. The sun rising above the peak of the mountain. A crazy hair style. Someone singing at the top of their lungs to the car radio.

But, instead of taking pleasure in all the tiny things that really make me me, I’ve selfishly worried about how everyone else sees me and have thus tailored myself to a life of constant self-improvement. And in the mix of it all, I’ve tried so hard to change myself for the better that I’ve let go of what I believe truly makes me beautiful. The specifics are too abstract to describe, but they are tied heavily to my earthly and heavenly origins. Again, our past helps to build our future, and I have quite forgotten about where it is that I come from. Along with that, I feel as if I have spent so much time thinking about what’s “wrong” with who I am that I have lost confidence in all that is “good”. Courage, as a result, has been a prevalent theme for me the last little while.

In my studying a couple of days ago, I read an article by Robert D. Hales entitled, “Christian Courage: The Price of Discipleship.” In it, he talks about how members of the church should have courage to respond to accusations and criticism appropriately. While this article is well worth reading, I take only a part from it. Elder Hales speaks of having the courage to be a disciple of Christ, and I extend that to having the courage to be who you are in general.

Being your true self is scary enough; the judgment of others stands as one of vulnerability’s worst enemies. I often find myself nervous that who I am wont be accepted and, as a result, I’ll be torn down, left alone with my face stuck in the mud. But, for every minute we spend worrying about how others perceive us, we lose a precious minute of our short lives that could easily be better enjoyed. Live it up! Enjoy your life and learn to appreciate yourself for who you are. And again, remember where you come from. For me, that means understanding the liberal mindset of Maine, the emotional-based personalities of my family, and, most importantly, my claim as a daughter of God.

Elder Hales makes a wonderful connection between courage and a Book of Mormon experience:

In the Book of Mormon, we read about Lehonti and his men camped upon a mount. The traitorous Amalickiah urged Lehonti to “come down” and meet him in the valley. But when Lehonti left the high ground, he was poisoned “by degrees” until he died, and his army fell into Amalickiah’s hands (see Alma 47)…The high ground is where the light is. It’s where we see the first light of morning and the last light in the evening. It is the safe ground. It is true and where knowledge is. Sometimes others want us to come down off the high ground and join them in a theological scrum in the mud...We are always better staying on the higher ground…

Taken a little differently than how Elder Hales intends it, I see here a hill whereupon one can see the “first light of the morning and the last light in the evening.” When we make the most of our lives and live up to our potential, understanding ourselves and where we come from, we have such a better and clearer view of everything around us. Obstacles don’t seem so ominous and we are inclined more toward optimism because we can better see the beauty of life. Yet, certain experiences and influences draw us down from our “safe spot.” Media, stereotypes, and even other people and ourselves can convince us that we’re worth less than we really are or that who we are isn’t who we should be.

And for me, understanding who I really am is inseparably connected to my relationship with God. If I begin to loose the light of Christ through neglect, sin, and/or laziness, I find myself unhappy and disconnected from the one thing that will always remain constant in my life. The more I give attention to my divine nature, the more I feel I understand myself. I make the comparison of losing sight of who I am and digressing spiritually to a light that is slowly dimming. We do not fully comprehend how much the light is changing until either the light turns completely off or is suddenly turned back to its full capacity. The change is so subtle that we do not always realize it’s there.

As I’m sure you’ll hear me say over and over again, life is full of choices, and at this point, I can only point out how having courage is a choice that we consciously make. We must have the courage to be who we are. We must have the courage to learn to understand ourselves, every part. We must have the courage to stay on our hilltop. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in “We Are Doing a Great Work and Cannot Come Down,” talks about keeping our focus on the things that matter most. In it, he instructs us, each time we are tempted to fall away, to proudly proclaim, “I am doing a great work and cannot come down.” I connect this to Elder Hale’s analogy of the high ground.

So what’s my point? Well, I’ve forgotten who I am and I’m trying to find out again. Not an easy task, that’s for sure. And it’s not something that happens overnight. I share this with you because…well…everyone has their ups and downs and perhaps my thoughts can mean something to you.

With this, I share my testimony that as we take the time to remember where we come from and have the courage to be who we are, we can find comfort as we feel more connected to ourselves and our Heavenly Father. Being true and honest with ourselves is a key step to finding happiness. God loves us and understands everything that we are. Part of our purpose here on earth is to come to that understanding ourselves.