Wake-up Call

To be completely honest, I have no idea what I’m writing. I haven’t written in far too many months, and I just about gave up hope in ever returning to this blog. But, while reading Mark chapter 2 this morning, I had an overwhelming desire to put my scattered thoughts on paper.

Where to start…well, life’s been pretty hectic. Mono. Grad school. Marriage. Moving. Work. Not the most smooth or easy combination. And through it all, I have to admit that I’ve really sort of lost track of who I am. Who I was. Who I want to be. It’s sad, really…sad and unnecessary. Well, not so much unnecessary as I believe that sometimes we need a little smack in the head to set us on the right path again.

And I guess that’s what life’s been for me lately—a smack in the head. Everything’s been contributing to communicate my lack of self, even down to the freakish snow on April 30^th in the middle of the desert. But as I’m sure I’ve put it before, I feel most myself when I have faith. Faith in myself and my abilities. Faith in my family and loved ones. And most importantly, faith in God. But I’ve lost it lately…well, not necessarily my faith, but my fervent and ardent desire to act on my faith.

The hardest part is that this downturn happens ever so slightly and ever so subtly that you hardly notice. I’ve been so distracted with my struggles lately that I’ve compromised perhaps the most important part of myself.

The biggest struggle has been mono. There’s no way around it…it just sucks. Bad. I came down with it last fall and am still feeling the effects. For someone who could put in a nine-hour day of manual labor and then go home and want to play a game of ultimate Frisbee, it’s been really hard to be confined to utter exhaustion and bed rest after a simple day at school. Though perhaps I’m completely wrong in doing so, I mostly blame mono for my complete breakdown of self. My understanding of my mind and body has completely been flipped upside-down and everything just seems so foreign to me. I don’t sleep the same, eat the same, or move the same. And my breaking point has lowered a significant amount that now, I no longer think the same, exercise the same, or react to situations the same.

And with all of the exhaustion and accompanying depression, I’ve lost track of that desire to act in my life and to live my faith. Instead, I’ve just…existed.

Which brings me to my point. When Jesus was in the house at Capernaum with a multitude of people, a man with palsy was brought to Him, carried by four others. And…“When Jesus saw their faith, he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee” (Mark 2:5). Not long after, He said, “They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance” (Mark 2:17)

That passage struck me this morning—even those who are sick and struggling can be healed. It doesn’t always take a grievous sin to require forgiveness from the Lord. If we are not continuously turned toward Him and acting on our faith, then our spiritual strength begins to diminish.

Sometimes, we have to just keep going. We have to…move on. With this whole mono ordeal, I’ve gotten so frustrated at my new limitations because it’s made me, as I see it, less of a person than I used to be. It’s my retched tendency to focus so much on the past and not the future; I look so much at who I used to be and who I am at present, and I forget that every single day provides an opportunity of being something/someone different. What a blessing! And just as Christ healed the man with palsy, he can help me to overcome my own “illness” (call it mono, apathy, laziness, whatever) so that I can be more of the person I want to be. With these new limitations, I have gleaned new insight into myself and the world around me, and I should take that new knowledge and apply it to a new me, instead of trying to go back to who I was.

Growth

This is just a thought I had late last night after writing in my journal:

I think that the Lord, in my trials, pushes me to my breaking point. But, right before I reach it, He gives me clear skies. The joy and happiness ALWAYS exceed the darkness and gloom. This is how we learn. This is how we grow.

Laugh It Off

So yesterday was a particularly interesting day. And when I say interesting, I mean less than wonderful. Many of my classmates and friends have been out with the infamous Swine Flu, and I was starting to feel some of the symptoms myself. I had a test I needed to take, two assignments I needed to finish (one of which by 5 p.m.), and I had no time to do any of it because I needed to go to work. On top of it, my mind was fried from the previous couple of days and I had no desire or energy to do any of it. I was having, what I like to call, a classic stress moment.

I’m not trying to complain, here. I’m in grad school juggling work, an acting gig on the side, an extra dance class, and a fiancé who lives an hour away…what else am I supposed to expect? Of course I’m going to have a packed schedule and be stressed! My point is that yesterday, the walls seemed to be caving in…not the best day.

So what happened next only made it worse. I went to the testing center and took the test. After handing it in, I was walking down the stairs when I tripped. Luckily, I only fell down about two or three steps and caught myself with my left foot. However, my right ankle twisted in ways unnatural to the human body and I crumpled to the floor, complete with backpack on, dropping my phone and dance shoes. I was groaning in pain when two guys coming down the stairs behind me came to my rescue and tried to pull me up, but I didn’t have the voice to tell them that my ankle felt like it had been sawed off with a blunt spoon.

I managed to tell them what was wrong, but of course I couldn’t just get back up in a hurry without anyone noticing. Much to my self-conscious horror, I looked up and saw at least seven or eight people gathered on the stairs staring at my pathetic body lying on the floor and my teary face. Great. How embarrassing.

Once everyone but the two guys helping me left me to my shame, I put my game face on, played the “independent-I-can-handle-myself-tough-girl”, and got back up. I slowly applied pressure to my right ankle, declared it merely sprained, and was soon enough on the road again, limping all the way across campus to my car.

Now, I’m not usually one to tell specific personal experiences, so what’s my point to this long and ridiculous story? Well, when I was walking across campus with hints of tears still running down my face, I started laughing...hysterically.

I mean, picture it, here’s this girl who’s having a pretty awful day and to make matters worse, she trips down the stairs and sprains her ankle. How ironic! And what a funny thing to picture! Who trips down the stairs, anyway? And to think of what I must have looked like lying on the floor…and the gaggle of people gawking at me…classic. I have to be honest with myself—it was funny.

What I’m trying to say is that even when situations get pretty bleak and discouraging, we’re still in control of our attitude, and as the saying goes, “Attitude is everything.” So the next time something less than fortunate happens to you, ignore your inclination to groan and complain. Laugh. Laugh it off.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that my day yesterday was a bad day. Less than desirable? Absolutely. But not bad. You just have to look at it the right way. First of all, I’m ok. My ankle’s just sprained. And secondly, now I have a funny story to journal about. And what’s life without a few laughs?

Learning from our Experiences

I should have posted this at least a few days ago, but here it is nonetheless. As a two-part entry, I first want to focus on the most recent Mormon message. If you haven’t already, please watch the video below and think about how the events of September 11, 2001 changed your life…



When I first watched this video, I was touched by the experience of this man and began thinking about how the Atonement is the key to making changes in our lives. In his book The Continuous Atonement, Brad Wilcox explains the redeeming power of the Lord’s sacrifice: “A redeemer is one who changes us for the better, one who reforms and reshapes us” (68).

When we came down to this earth, the plan was (and still is) for us to return to our Heavenly Father, which has been made possible by the Atonement. However, it is more than just covering up our sins; it is a means by which we may make the necessary changes to improve ourselves to become like God. This makes the Atonement about human development, not just cleansing. What good is repentance if a change of heart is not had?

In his book, Brad Wilcox also writes, “A friend once told me, ‘Look, I’m a good person even though I don’t go to church.’ I agreed, but gently reminded him that his goodness wasn’t in question. He had already proven that in the premortal existence. This life is about becoming better’” (71).

I want to share my testimony of the incredible and infinite sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ and how it can help us to not only find forgiveness for our sins, but can also help us to wake up each morning better than we were the day before. As divine children of God, we have that capability, and I know this life was given to us so that we may prove to ourselves of our potential. We are here to learn and to grow from those experiences that teach us, becoming better and more like our Father in Heaven.

The Joy of Choosing

I’ve realized more and more lately just how much our lives are composed of decisions—one after the other. Cereal or yogurt? Jeans or shorts? Blue or green shirt? Drive or walk? Hair up or down?

And then, of course, there are the more complicated choices that drive us absolutely mad, and it gets to the point where if you don’t make a decision fast, you’ll just get more and more confused. Sometimes you get so confused that you act impulsively hoping to escape the fog and to find clarity. Not that you don’t have reason to act the way you did, but you made the decision without really figuring out if it’s what you really wanted. Then the hard part comes a day or two later when things start setting in, including doubt, and you spend half of your time torturing yourself over whether or not your decision was right or wrong.

See, for the most part, there is no right or wrong. As one of my favorite high school teachers Miss Tripp once said, “Change is neither good nor bad sometimes. It is just different.” I know a lot of people who sit there waiting for someone else to tell them what to do, including God. Well, first of all, God expects us to make our own decisions; we choose our own path and He’ll make sure we don’t get too far off the straight and narrow. So in life, when we’re faced with a difficult choice, it’s not that there is a particular right or wrong, black or white. No. Instead, we have a myriad of colors displayed before us and we just have to pick which one we want to deal with.

My personal problem (as I’m sure it’s the same for most people) is understanding what it is that I really want, and then finding satisfaction in the decision I’ve made. This is a quote from an email I sent to my DKVs (three of my high school friends), “And oh how I'm bitter! Bitter and angry. Not with anyone in particular, just at the situation in general and myself for not being able to be happy with the decision that I made. Why can't feelings just be so clean-cut and clear!?!?"

I’ve always compared life to being at a train station. Imagine yourself on a platform and you have plenty of different trains to choose from. For the most part, it doesn’t matter which train you choose to take because most of them are going to the same place…it’s just about how you’re going to get there. How many stops? How many train changes? It’s like goal setting. The journey is a long one, so you have to break it up into different parts. Everyone chooses a path that suits their needs (the fastest route, the scenic route, etc.). So you set a goal and you work to reach it. Once you’re there, it’s time to set a different goal, or to choose a different train.

So you choose a train to your liking. Maybe it’s a really comfortable train. Maybe you like the people on it. Maybe it’s the fastest one. Who knows, who cares, it’s different for everyone. Well, the train makes its first stop and you find yourself with a decision to make. Do I stay on this train or do I find another one?

You decide to change trains, so you make your way to the platform and start looking around at your options. Perhaps you spend a significant amount of time at the station. Perhaps you find a new train right away. That’s up to you.

And after doing this time and time again, you might find that one time, you got on the wrong train and have to backtrack. Or maybe you were lucky and got on a train with more benefits than others. Whatever happens, each train you take gives you new experiences to learn from and, hopefully, brings you closer to your destination.

The analogy can go on and on, and you can take it whichever way you like. But all in all, we’re here on this earth to learn for ourselves by making countless decisions day after day. We just have to realize that our lives are not controlled by some predetermined Fate, but overseen by a loving Heavenly Father who has blessed us with our own agency and who wants us to choose for ourselves. And if we keep our hearts open to Him, He will never let us go astray. We ask for His help (as we daily should do!), but it is up to us to make the initial action!

The Great Man

What makes a “great” man? Quite similar to my previous topics, but a slightly different question.

For me, I hope and pray that who we are is measured less by how much we stay on the horse, and more by how hard we try to pick ourselves back up when we fall off the horse. Everyone messes up. We all fail sometimes. That’s a given. We weren’t sent to this earth to fail, but to learn, and we learn by falling down and scraping our knees.

I was thinking about this extensively at work yesterday…just the idea of what makes a “great” man. I’ve heard a lot of different definitions from people, and though I can appreciate and understand most of them, I found my explanation and view to be much more simple. What makes a “great” person is the effort he or she puts into life. We all come from different backgrounds and have different experiences, so no one can really be measured on the same plane…we’re different. And we’re supposed to be different. It’s not about how much better I am than my neighbor, but rather how much better I can become than the person I am today.

This is all a bit scatter-brained, I know. But my point is that often we attribute our worth to things that are, in the end, not fairly measured because we’re comparing ourselves to other people. In my opinion, our worth and beauty as a person comes from the effort we put into making our own personal lives more meaningful. The drive we have to face challenges with a positive attitude. The determination we have when we’re at our lowest to get back on our feet and to keep going, no matter how painful or impossible the road. The faith we have that if we do all that we can do, the Lord will make up the rest. The gratitude we have for all of our experiences in life. The ability we have to learn from each fall we take and each scrape we get so that we can turn around and help others through their own journeys in life.

That’s what makes a great man. It doesn’t matter if he’s the 50-year-old CEO of some large corporation or the teen-age retail worker at the local Walmart. We all have the opportunity to show our true colors and we all have the potential. It’s just up to us to choose what happens when we fall off the horse.